On: Monday, September 17, 2007

Ever since my birthday things seem so, unorganized. Things seem different. Nothing feels right. Everything feels out of place. I feel...weird. Like something is missing and i feel anxious. I feel like im out of place. Thats exactly it, i feel out of place. I feel like i need to get away. School, the frat, relationships...they are all overwhelming me. And i dont feel right. Im confused as hell and i dont know why. I feel guilty, like i did something but i didnt do anything at all. I been good. The only girls i talk to are Katie and Ronsonet and Jessica. Occasionally Ashley calls me but she's always doing her own thing. I feel empty, thats how i feel. Thats what it is, i think. I feel empty and sort of lonely. I started talking to Jessica since i started feeling this way. I been feeling different and empty for a couple of weeks now. But it really kicked in after my birthday. I think it has to do with Jessica. She visited me on my birthday and i was really happy to see her. She's hurt me so much in the past but seeing her made me surprisingly happy. I guess when youre feeling empty inside, some of the people you are so used to are the only ones that can help, no matter how bad your history is with that person. She was only here for about 3 hours cuz she had to go to work but in those three hours i actually felt good, like everything was the way it was supposed to be. And since then, things have sucked. Since then, nothing feels right. Is it that i miss her or i miss having someone to care about??? Cuz at this point in time i really dont care about anybody. I care about my family but thats pretty much it. Maybe i need someone to care about. Thats probably whats missing. I was fine before because i had Ashley to care about, and Ronsonet, and Krystian. But Ashley is always busy doing her own thing and with other guys and Krystian is gone and Ronsonet, well Ronsonet...i just dont understand her. She seemed so promising to me and the best choice but that didnt work out the way i wanted it to but i dont have any hard feelings toward her, i think she's a sweet girl that any guy would love to have. Whenever she decides she's ready, she's going to make someone really lucky. That brings me to Jessica. Like i said me and Jessica have deep history together and its really recent. Since she came to visit me we have been talking on the regular. She seems to be the only person that makes me feel wanted. Jessica has always been there since i met her. Talking to her feels right. Being with her feels right. But you cant forget the past cuz it will just come back around and repeat itself. Shits so hard. I'm a big boy tho i just need to suck it all up. Roll with the punches i guess. Maybe i need to take my own advice, what dont kill you makes you stronger. I just wish i knew what was killin me. Cant defeat your enemy if you cant see him.

PS Thanks for the advice Krys.

118 Idk

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